He was unconscious about it until now. He had stolen the context and meaning associated with the ‘boring’ as well as the action or inaction that constitutes ‘boredom.’ He was least concerned about playing linguistic aerobics, and was very much concerned about realizing lived reality first-hand. He had stolen it from movies, songs, social media images and videos, writings on social media and maybe some nonsensical books promoting popular culture, capitalism, and generally very wrong ideas on life. He called it boring when he was reading in the library, cafe, classroom, dining hall, or the hostel room. He felt this idea to be wrong. Felt that these things were such experiences of his life that were sort of meta-real, more real than the reality he is living in.
He lived in a remote university devoid of city life, a quiet life where the local area shuts down early night, and the inside is filled with consumerism of all sorts. Such consumerism ranged from the good to the bad. You had to be football fan to enter a specific group. You had to love reading history and become a human rights lawyer on social media to enter another friend group. You had to have watched specific short videos to have constructed a sense of humor with necessary pornographic elements to enter another group. There seemed utmost immaturity. They could not live with someone who had entirely different ideas and living style. But of course, he has lived, and he has found such people who could, and from both sides, accept each other and only try to improve each other, and that does not include conforming with each other’s beliefs or ways of life. In fact, such relationship even included mentally crushing a person in certain occasions where illusions are perceived and humane and rational is suggested. That was acceptable to him, but simultaneously, he felt that such suggestions and rationality ought not to be applied on other’s feelings because then it would become a ‘game of incomplete information.’
He feels all this as subjective, only true for him; that others may have widely different and much better judgements from experiences. He did not have any interest in participating in most of the consumerism, such as rave nights and concerts. Many of which he could not participate because of limited finances. A few he did not because of not having a girlfriend. A few of them were the ones he actually felt the lack of in himself to enter. The later brought forth some regrets, and these regrets started accumulating. Every time he thought of doing that thing, he felt himself to be late, perhaps the previous time was better for doing it. Such overthinking reached its peak and then he shared his feelings with someone. He was instantly rejected.
A hopelessness struck and brought him to the lowest points of his life, the remnants of which he still carries within himself. They rise to full consciousness every few epochs when certain emotional triggers are pressed in life. If it weren’t for some good friends around him, specially in the he’d have done much unethical things and would have gone against his own conscience, something which if he had realized later, he would have have profoundly regretted it and would not have been able go forgive himself for it.
January, 2024
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