(Dorm Room) He rolls over the bed and stares at the fan and the window. Gets up, sits on the chair, looks at the mirror. Turns on a song. He feels the hotness in the room, but removing the socks make him feel cold. The hanging clothes haven’t been washed in weeks. He somehow becomes excited, takes a pencil and paper, and sits beside the window. Looks outside and thinks. Nothing. Leaves. He rests his chin on his hands and stares at the wall. Imagines her, recreates the beautiful woman he saw last night at the tuc. Soon it voids out, and he gets aware of himself looking at the wall. He is tired to go out, but the room consumes him. He leaves. Sits on the stairs outside the hostel and waits. People are coming out of the Masjid. A sense of guilt of missing the namaz strikes in his throat. He dissolves himself in the talk. His friends philosophize. Too tired to intervene, he says Okay, Yeah.
The university restaurant is filled with people at night. He diverts towards complex topics to talk to his friends, only to hide the sudden increase in his heartbeat after seeing her with someone. She was the person whom he had shared his feelings with and had gotten rejected. Late night on bed, he keeps weeping in a slow voice until sleep takes over. After a friend knocks at noon, he sits on the bed, rubs the eyes, and scrolls his classes schedule. He feels numb after seeing that he missed the 9am to 12pm’s Lab. He ruminates that she is laughing with that boy over tea. He sheds a tear, and gets up. Stands up and his low blood-pressure makes him dizzy. He sits on the sofa for a while. His memory leads him to his previous semester. Time when he saw her socializing with her university’s society the same evening she declined his offer for tea. He feels an arrow hitting his heart as this memory fades. During a lunch, his friend declares, “I cannot seem to do my studies.” He motivates him. For a long time his heart had been telling him to say her a goodbye. When the exams are over, he types a long message. His hands tremble but he sends it. She replies a short goodbye.
Late night. He feels extremely warm. The cough makes it difficult to breathe. He get up for the syrup but the cap is filled with small ants. He messages for the syrup. Someone replies humorously. He takes his glass, but the bottle is empty. Goes to the second floor but the electric cooler’s water is too cold. Before inhaling each sip, he warms it on his tongue for a while. Sometimes, he thinks of offering Tahajjud; he gets up on time, sits on his carpet, rests the head inside his legs, and weeps like a child. He cannot utter the words for the prayer. They do not reach the tongue. Instead, her image creates in his mind. Once, he threw his mobile at the wall, and upon seeing the broken screen, he could not feel anything but numbness. When a friend asks about it, he says, It just fell. In frustration, he slaps his head. Cheeks. Puts his face inside the mattress, hardly able to breathe, rubs his feet againt the bed-sheet, and weeps. After a whole year, everything still smells of unrequited love. However, it has started to fade. In these few months, his immense consumption of social media emptied his feelings for her, and have made him insensitive.
A religious friend asks, No prayers? … Atheist now? He says softly, will offer the next one. While offering the namaz, he waits for the congregation to end. Utters rukooh’s words in sajdah. He cannot recall the Surah that was recited. Looses track of Ayat-ul-Kursi when somebody starts talking. On a weekend at home, he goes to a Namaz-e-Janaaza. It makes him feel something which he doesn’t feel anywhere else. He holds the Mayyat at different corners as it goes all the way to the grave, takes part in throwing soil, and fixates his eyes on the mountain of soil while uttering Ameen every few moments.
He is on his way back to the hostel. His low-blood-pressured heart aches, back pains, and body hurts. He sits on the rickshaw. His thoughts wash away the moment he starts to record them. He pushes them, pushes himself, but finds himself at the same place. The first love is long gone. He feels he will have to live with all these things forever.
November, 2023
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